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From The Onion:

The Dow Jones closed at over 14,000 for the first time last week. What are the contributing factors?

Certain knowledge that crashes like those of 1819, 1837, 1869, 1873, 1929, 1987, 1989, 2000, and 2001 will absolutely never happen again

Record number of contributions during annual Dow Jones telethon

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke showing a little more hustle

Market theorist Harry S. Dent's forecast that people in the fourth quarter of 2007 will like having lots of money

Traders trying to impress cute girl who works at Wall Street Blimpie's

Dow Jones' takeover of Marianne's and other mom-and-pop indexes

Someone forgot to ring the closing bell, resulting in 17 additional hours of trading

Less selling, more buying

Posted by edelfenbein at July 29, 2007 9:13 PM