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The Onion:

The banking industry is being hit hard by the subprime loan collapse. Bank of America laid off 3,000 workers and Merrill Lynch posted its first quarterly loss in six years. What are banks doing to make up the loses?

Increasing ATM fees to $601.95

Coffee temperature turned way down

Launching paid subscription websites featuring hilarious and/or deadly bank robbery videos

Limiting branch hours to noon until 12:15

Taking anything valuable from safe deposit boxes that appear not to have been opened in a while

For fee, will open cash vaults for money-bathing purposes

Charging more for crisp bills

So long as CEOs continuing to make shitloads, not too much

Posted by edelfenbein at October 31, 2007 2:31 PM