My Plan

Step One: Form bank holding company, the Bank of Eddy.

Step Two: Borrow $470 billion from the Federal Reserve at 0%.

Step Three: Announce tender offer to buy out Apple for $500 per share.

Step Four: Once I have control of Apple, use the $140 billion in cash to buy all the mortgage debt I can possibly find. (Also, buy CNBC.)

Step Five: Every six month, IPO a different Apple division. Spin-offs, you know, outperform.

Step Six: Use proceeds to pay off the Fed.

Step Seven: Distribute the rest to Bank of Eddy shareholders minus, of course, my $10 billion fee.

Step Eight: Relax at pool.

So…who’s with me?

Posted by on February 27th, 2013 at 10:11 am

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